CURTAINS OPEN

It’s a candle-lit dinner. Dinner with your significant other of 4 years. Tonight’s the night. You brought the ring.

YOU: So I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I think it’s time we take the next step in our relationship…

Her: in awe

YOU: gets down on one knee Will you marry me?

HER: Yes! Of course!

YOU (relieved): Takes her hand and slowly puts ring on finger

HER: I’m so excited!

YOU: Me too!

You gaze into each others eyes as time freezes.

HER: Oh by the way I almost forgot to tell you, I’m close to breaking up with you.

YOU: surprised um what?

HER: Serious. One more shot before I break up with you and go date other people.

YOU: Where is this coming from?

HER: grimaces So, five months ago you did something I didn’t like. And since we only give feedback to one another semi-annually, this is when you find out and we adjust. But it’s ok! Radical candor. It’s just too hard to say what I’m thinking in the moment.

YOU: …?

HER: I just can’t be like other humans and tell you about things when they happen, I’d rather wait to group all my feedback to twice a year. It’s more efficient to batch it that way because it minimizes awkwardness.

YOU: you’re upset at me because of something from five months ago?

HER: Yup! Directionally our relationship has never been better. It just wasn’t great five months ago. Marriage sounds exciting, though!

YOU: I’m so confused.

HER: That’s ok, why don’t you take a few hours to think about my feedback and we can sync up later.

YOU: …?

HER: Awkward fake smile

YOU: …?

HER: Oh by the way, get you a pillow on the way home. Your ass is sleeping on the couch till we have this conversation again in 6 months.

FROM: Date Night With Your Performance Review in a Mediocre Organization.